sign I may not be in the mood for this romantic movie
when the boy kisses the girl and tells her sappy shit, instead of swooning I groan and say “oh, come ONNNN”
One of the really nice students here just asked if anyone got me any flowers. when I said no, he said he would. very sweet. and awkward, kind of. oh well. I’m just happy baseball is back.
I canceled my match.com account today. I felt it was an appropriate day to do so. I only had a subscription for a month, because I got a special deal. I’m fine with having baseball as my boyfriend. If that changes, awesome. If not, I’m happy the way things are.
still recovering from the gnarly migraine I had today. it has left my state of mind pretty fragile and … just bad. ever since starting off this year with one of the worst colds of my life, my physical health has not been up to par despite my attempts at improving it. I haven’t had a drink in 3 days, and have been trying to cut back on that in general. I’ve been going to the gym. I’ve been eating better. but nothing seems to help, and I still sleep like crap almost all the time.
on top of this and the miguel cabrera drama (which affects me more than it should, but I’m not going to apologize for it. I love baseball and the tigers and that’s that), my going-on-eight-years-old car has a couple thousand dollars worth of shit wrong with it, and I have to lean on my parents for help once again. I’m 30 years old. I should have been past this by now. the reasons I’m not are another post entirely.
I guess what I’m saying is that I feel like crap and I feel like I’m back to the person I was ten years ago. I don’t like being this depressive, whiny person. I hate being this person who just lays back and lets life happen, yet at the same time, I can’t find the energy to get back on track.
I wish I could start the year over.
In the random phases of working out that I’ve gone through in my life, I have never, ever been a runner. it doesn’t matter if I’m in great shape - I rode horses competitively for over ten years so I have definitely been in great shape in the past - I just can’t run for any length of time. I get so worn out and out of breath and I just feel sloppy and weird so I speed walk instead. on top of all that, I have flat feet, a cranky right knee, and I am prone to shin splints, so it makes things even more difficult. usually I would just do weights and cross training machines or the elliptical, which I still mix in.
But in the middle of last year when I looked at myself and decided I was getting too old (and too chunky) to be such a lazy ass, I resolved to teach myself to run. I just wanted to be able to run for the duration of any random top 40 pop song, or about 3-4 minutes. I didn’t care if my version of running a couple miles required stopping to walk ten times. I sucked it up and finished breaking in a pair of expert-recommended new balance shoes that I tossed aside a couple years ago after they gave me blisters. I found that running on treadmills in those particular shoes (as opposed to running outside) almost eliminated shin splints, so I downsized the booze budget and shifted that money to a gym membership.
I’m finally getting there. a fast mile for me is anything under 15 minutes - go ahead and laugh. lately I’ve been trying to get it under 14, something I’ve really struggled with. and I’ve rarely felt GOOD while doing it. I feel great after, but that whole “runner’s high” thing people talk about has eluded me.
Until today. while I was running, my peripheral vision just sort of faded away. even though I was going faster than ever before, I suddenly didn’t feel that tired. I felt energized and had to resist the urge to speed up the treadmill - if I go too fast, my knee barks for days. before I knew it, I had run through the entire duration of a song. I looked at the display and saw I had cut my mile down to just over 13 minutes. the song that was playing? PLEASE DON’T STOP THE MUSIC (music, music, music). yeah, I listen to house and poppy dance music when I run. if it keeps helping me get results like this, I’ll keep it up forever.
This is a CD. “ULTRA” by Depeche Mode - I took this photo a little while ago. I know a lot of people don’t even keep many of these around anymore. To be honest, I don’t either.
However, this particular CD has been in my possession constantly since its release in mid-1997. I bought a decent amount of CD’s back then but this is one of just a couple that survived the (not constant, but existent) turbulence that has been my life over the last 14 years.
It’s traveled with me in no less than eight moves around southern california and around the country, always stuck in the visor CD case even when I had an ipod hookup available. I’ve driven three different cars over those years, one of which was smashed into with this CD on the seat next to me - talk about turbulence - and it’s been there for me in every situation imaginable. Sometimes when I listen to certain songs in a certain mood, I wonder if I would be alive without it.
“Barrel of a Gun” and “Useless” let me revel in moments I’ve felt like giving up on my life entirely. “Home” represents almost every time I’ve fallen in love for the wrong reasons and have let someone rescue me instead of just be a part of my life.
“Freestate”, “The Bottom Line” and “Insight”, which round out the album, are three tracks that seem to act as a musical form of the process of heartbreak for me. Trying to heal, realizing that it’s important to embrace freedom. Resisting it and thinking I’ll never be able to stay away from the things that hurt me. Then finally accepting it and feeling at peace, even though at times the proverbial fire still may burn underneath.
I took this self-portrait in late 2005 while listening to the above mentioned three songs on repeat all night, in the midst of one of the biggest emotional upheavals of my life.
It’s hard to believe how long ago that was taken. And a bit jarring when I look at it for more than a second and think about how I was feeling at that moment.
Anyway, what’s funny is that ULTRA is not the album I have immortalized somewhere on my body. I have the rose from Violator on my back and could probably write a similar novel about that one, but lately ULTRA has been in heavy rotation.
The thing that got me writing this: I had this playing in the car this morning, trying to calm some nerves or trigger some sort of release because I’ve been so goddamn wound up lately. The CD has finally reached the point where it skips enough in important places that it’s unlistenable. I took it out of the car. It’ll stay somewhere in my media cabinet though, even if I buy a replacement instead of just burning one. I can’t imagine it not being here somewhere.
This is an insight into my life
This is a strange flight I’m taking
My true will carries me along…