getting away with it all messed up

“I think I love you and I’m not at all sure what to do about that but I don’t care and it’s good.”

it’s been years since I’ve gotten that feeling. my hand came up to my mouth like some sort of reflex and I smiled. the middle of my chest burned, I blinked, emptied my glass. I didn’t think I felt the same way; I knew. I was pretty sure you did too. but it’s just like putting “kind of/sort of” or “maybe” in front of a statement so as to make it not seem quite so paramount. you’re wary of the other person’s response, no matter how sure you are that the response will be what you want to hear. even in complete honesty, everyone’s allowed a little bit of trepidation. even in this case.

that time I asked if you’d finished your first drink yet, maybe two weeks ago - I wanted to tell you then. ever since way before that, we’ve been thinking the same way. ever since the beginning that seems like it should’ve been so long ago.

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real talk cac

I got a new bed today.

after sleeping on a full size mattress/box spring/stand and nothing more for the past several years, a queen pillow top that reaches my hip in height on a cherry wood sleigh bed feels much more.. significant. not to mention the fact that my bedroom is probably a little too small for it, it’s kind of startling to see now when I walk into the room. I also got a dresser, with a mirror, but for some reason that doesn’t feel like as much of a thing.

I made sure the new sheets I bought - grey sateen, always grey sheets and blankets and duvet covers for me - would fit, then sat and impatiently waited after putting them in the washer and dryer. there were a million other things I could’ve been doing during this process. I haven’t moved any of my clothes that used to be in plastic storage drawers into the new dresser yet. most of them are just sitting in a pile out in the living room. but I could not shift my focus away from the fact that all I wanted to do was put the damn sheets on the new bed and sleep.

finally I placed my existing duvet that was once dark grey sateen and now looks more like a pinkish light grey next to the shiny new ones. after so many years of use and washing, it’s so soft I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. when I had cats their claws would pick at this duvet constantly, especially in the winter when there was a down comforter inside of it.

I could hear the neighbors below me getting into another argument and I kept thinking about a past relationship in which I spent so much of my time going through that and it made me very sad. mostly, I just needed to sleep. I sent half a borrowed anti-anxiety pill down the hatch and begrudgingly put earplugs in my ears, even though it would’ve been nice to pass out to the sound of the rain that has been steady since very early this afternoon. I climbed up and into bed, ignoring that new furniture smell.

it was hard, though. having all that space around me just felt wrong. after spending four nights next to the person who seems to be quickly becoming the love of my life, the most comfortable bed in the world would not have felt right without him there. the chemicals and lack of rest from the past week eventually washed over me, though, and I fell into a very deep sleep and didn’t wake up for two hours.

“need to be with you.” this is what I woke up to once my eyes focused on the flashing red light on my phone and eventually the text contained within. but he isn’t, and this was the last thing I heard from him today. he won’t be here for so many nights, but I’ll figure out how to re-learn to sleep alone and it’ll be fine.

I don’t want to. but I’m so tired, so I’ll try.

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real talk cac

I see people starting to do reflective stuff about 2011

I feel like I want to, because my memory is getting worse as I get older and I should get that kind of thing written somewhere.

but when I try to start thinking about it, all I can think is that the only part of this year that really mattered was the last few months. and those are already well-documented in chat logs, emails, phone calls and looks from across the room that are impossible to forget.

there are a lot of other aspects of the past 12 months that were good. don’t get me wrong. but I’m sorry, rest of the year. the part where I fell in love in the last quarter of 2011 was above and beyond the best.

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real talk cac 2011

kindness don’t ask for much

I grew up in a family of yellers. home was generally quiet, but my parents would yell even when something wasn’t a huge deal. it could get nasty sometimes, but often it was just reactionary.

this is different from a noisy household; it was always just me, my mom and my dad. a lot of the time just my mom and I, as my dad traveled a lot for work.

I’m not sure when or where it rubbed off on me, but after watching and listening to my parents fight, and then fight with them myself once I was old enough to cop an attitude, it did.

I used to bring the mean out of mild mannered significant others. and when they weren’t mild mannered to begin with, disagreements would just get ugly. after watching my parents all those years - who are still together somehow, and are a little more laid back these days - I knew exactly how to not let things go and press people’s buttons. I abhorred it in friendships and with colleagues, but it persisted in romantic relationships. even the ones that were mostly peaceful.

I finally decided I didn’t want to do that anymore. when I took so much time being single I made sure to resolve to avoid anyone who would bring that kind of behavior out in me, or possess it themselves.

the man in my life now gets upset with himself when he slips and raises his voice to anyone, or anything. I haven’t seen it happen and I honestly can’t picture it, nor can I picture being the least bit angry with him over anything. he agrees that kindness and trying to work something out with a rational approach - even if it means suffering through a little bit of irrationality first - is how things should be handled. calm down, come back to it when you can think straight. consider how the other person feels.

I’m still working on having patience in my life in general, but I do know I’m ready to be empathetic with those I love. I think I’m already pretty good at that. I also want to do everything I can to try to be emotionally healthy. some days are really hard, and I just try to ride it out. I’ll get there.

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I don’t know what to title this

I honestly don’t know where to begin, and as I said earlier tumblr fucking lost a bunch of this. earlier when I was writing I thought maybe I was too tired to try to put into words what is going on. now that I’m mostly awake from a 90 minute nap, I’m wondering if I even know how to explain it. I hesitate to say that though, because I always seem to figure it out at some point. I need to, because I don’t want to forget it.

craig was in town for a few days, and it was perfect. I realize that things cannot always be perfect but at this point I’m not sure anything other than that exists between us.

I don’t think I’ve ever gone into any sort of detail here about this whole thing. it’s not really my style to do that, but here are some bullet points because it should be documented.

• we have known each other through the magic of the internet for a while now (a year? I don’t know), but not as more than acquaintances.

• three months ago, we began talking regularly, and by regularly I mean pretty much every minute we were both awake. he was going to the winter meetings. I wanted to go. he offered me a place to stay. I, for some reason, felt that this was something I needed to take him up on, for reasons that were unknown at that point.

• two months ago, we both finally admitted (while fully realizing how cliche and possibly ridiculous it was) that we were in love with each other.

• a month and a half ago, we saw each other in person for the first time as I rushed into the hotel in dallas. I think my first words to him were “jesus fucking christ, that cabbie charged me $18.” he laughed, because for some reason he thinks it’s cute when I’m a spaz. I did not make him sleep on the couch. we had an awesome time.

• when he got home from dallas, he booked a trip to come see me this past weekend. now I think we’re caught up.

he and I often feel that we share a brain; we seem to be the same person in all the right ways, and different in all the right ways as well. when he was here it felt like he belonged and was meant to be with me. I don’t know any other way to explain that. I was less of a spaz when I greeted him this time, by the way.

thursday, we met my parents for dinner. it was actually a little strange how excited I felt about this. I knew they’d love him and that it was just a formality. I was right.

friday, I took the day off of work and showed him around the area a bit. breakfast tacos, gorgeous hotel downtown, one of my favorite restaurants for dinner, symphony, drinks and laughing with a couple of my friends.

saturday, we went to my aunt and uncle’s for some of my uncle’s famous bbq. in total he met six more family members. they all love him. he just fits. we ate too much, fell asleep on the couch shortly after arriving home.

sunday I was nearly incapable of getting out of bed, knowing he was supposed to leave. something intervened, though - shitty weather in chicago and he wound up staying. after sorting things out we spent the rest of the day doing absolutely nothing, and then had dinner at another one of my favorite restaurants. they say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. that statement could not be more sexist, because that’s definitely a good way to get into mine.

this morning he woke up before 6am to get ready. insisted on having a cab come so I could rest before going to work. I drifted in and out of sleep and tried to be okay when he left. he’s home safe now, I’ve been in a fog ever since. I hope it lifts before he’s back in about a month. I think it will.

he lives 1300 miles away, but I feel more loved than I ever did when I was with anybody else. even those I lived with and saw every day. I can be a superstitious person, but I’ve never been sure that I believed in fate. I really thought this was the kind of thing that happened in movies, or at the very least, only to other people. I thought it would be a long time before I came across something remotely similar to this relationship, these feelings, and I was fine with that. but it’s happened and I can’t imagine my life being any other way.

“this is going to work, right?”
“if you don’t have any doubts. I don’t.”
“neither do I.”

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real talk cac congrats on making it to the end of this