getting away with it all messed up

I got a new bed today.

after sleeping on a full size mattress/box spring/stand and nothing more for the past several years, a queen pillow top that reaches my hip in height on a cherry wood sleigh bed feels much more.. significant. not to mention the fact that my bedroom is probably a little too small for it, it’s kind of startling to see now when I walk into the room. I also got a dresser, with a mirror, but for some reason that doesn’t feel like as much of a thing.

I made sure the new sheets I bought - grey sateen, always grey sheets and blankets and duvet covers for me - would fit, then sat and impatiently waited after putting them in the washer and dryer. there were a million other things I could’ve been doing during this process. I haven’t moved any of my clothes that used to be in plastic storage drawers into the new dresser yet. most of them are just sitting in a pile out in the living room. but I could not shift my focus away from the fact that all I wanted to do was put the damn sheets on the new bed and sleep.

finally I placed my existing duvet that was once dark grey sateen and now looks more like a pinkish light grey next to the shiny new ones. after so many years of use and washing, it’s so soft I can’t bring myself to get rid of it. when I had cats their claws would pick at this duvet constantly, especially in the winter when there was a down comforter inside of it.

I could hear the neighbors below me getting into another argument and I kept thinking about a past relationship in which I spent so much of my time going through that and it made me very sad. mostly, I just needed to sleep. I sent half a borrowed anti-anxiety pill down the hatch and begrudgingly put earplugs in my ears, even though it would’ve been nice to pass out to the sound of the rain that has been steady since very early this afternoon. I climbed up and into bed, ignoring that new furniture smell.

it was hard, though. having all that space around me just felt wrong. after spending four nights next to the person who seems to be quickly becoming the love of my life, the most comfortable bed in the world would not have felt right without him there. the chemicals and lack of rest from the past week eventually washed over me, though, and I fell into a very deep sleep and didn’t wake up for two hours.

“need to be with you.” this is what I woke up to once my eyes focused on the flashing red light on my phone and eventually the text contained within. but he isn’t, and this was the last thing I heard from him today. he won’t be here for so many nights, but I’ll figure out how to re-learn to sleep alone and it’ll be fine.

I don’t want to. but I’m so tired, so I’ll try.

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